How Motherhood Taught Me To Give Zero F**ks

Don’t you just love the expression “I give zero fucks”? Maybe not if you aren’t a swearer, but as someone who is rather fond of letting off some blue steam now and again, I appreciate it. Especially in response to something really annoying.

There are a lot of things I cared about pre-parenthood that I can now give zero fucks about. Here are some of my favourites:

My waistline

Sometimes I find myself at the hell hole that is the gym giving my gut the side eye in the mirrors but then I sternly tell myself – I made a baby, I’m allowed to have less definition than I used to. The most important people in my life couldn’t give a crap that I don’t have abs you could grate cheese on. Well, it’s possible that one of them *might* prefer a more sylph-like wife, but he’s sensible enough to keep those opinions to himself.

Taking up the pavement

Unless I see a white cane, I’m going to assume you have working eyeballs and can just GET OUT OF THE WAY when you see me sweating up the hill pushing an oversized lazy ass kid who doesn’t want to walk anywhere. I am big enough to see, and you are spritely enough to move. Any tutting will be met with my DEATH STARE.

Helicopter Parenting

Just leave the little buggers alone. I used to follow mine round the park anxiously, terrified he was going to fling himself off all the equipment. Then my sister took him to the park, and let him do everything by himself INCLUDING the fireman’s pole and he didn’t catapult over the fence and into the road or anything. So now, zero fucks given about playtime – I read my magazine and have a coffee while he burns off some never-ending energy while I can keep half an eye on him.

Other People’s Opinions

I really, really could not care less that you think babies should be weaned at 4 months and given only puree until they are one. I’m positive that I don’t give a shit that your kid was potty trained at two (though that might be a shit your kid has just done in the soft play dude) I’m sure controlled crying worked just fine for you, but as much as…

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