I know it seems like middle school is a long way off for my girls. They’re eight and nine right now, and my oldest is just finishing up 3rd grade. But she’s always been early with everything, and it seems like teenage lunacy won’t be any different. She’s already acting like a bipolar ball of hormones and angst. Multiple times a day, she oscillates between snuggling with her American Girl doll one minute, and shrieking about her hair the next. She sits me down for deep conversations about being ready to shave her legs (she isn’t) and that she thinks she needs acne medicine (she doesn’t).
I am so not ready for this, but I have to be. Since I’ve always dealt with problems better in writing, I thought I’d compose a list of things that I want my daughters to learn before teenhood makes them crazy.
- Girls can pee outside too.
I know, I know. You think this sounds gross. Boys are always bragging about how special their junk is because, among other things, it allows them the freedom to water the trees and write their names in yellow in the snow. But if you and your girlfriends are ever out somewhere where the only option for a bathroom is a crap-smeared “toilet” with a wet doorknob, please, PLEASE go outside. Find a private spot, preferably one where you can lean your back against a wall or a tree. Lower your pants to your knees, squat, and just be sure to steer the stream clear of your clothes. You can do this.
- Don’t ignore your vagina.
Sorry girls. I know you find this topic painfully humiliating, but it has to be said. (Aren’t you glad I did this in writing?) Right around puberty, you’ll start to notice some goopy stuff coming out of your vajayjay on a regular basis. This is totally normal and nothing to worry about. But if it itches, turns red, or starts to smell weird, you need to see a doctor. Vaginas are tough little mofos, but the tiniest upset in bacteria or ph balance can cause some…