Image author’s own.
The summer holidays are fast approaching. School will soon be out.
The weeks have been filled with trying to cram in as much paid work as possible, organising personal assistants, booking holidays and filling The Glory’s expectant cardboard box with university essentials.
This holiday is the beginning of huge change in our family. One will leave, one will go back into mainstream from special education, and one will enter her last year at a fabulous primary school.
My two girls, the first who has been stymied by acute anxiety, whose perfect 18 year old body she mistrusts, despises and longs to change.
The smallest, full of self esteem, whose body is unpredictable, whose muscles are not trustworthy. I am in awe of what she makes it do, through practice, persistence and sheer bloody mindedness.
My own menopausal body, which has thrown up surprises, moods and huge chemical imbalances. I am in awe of that too, and its production of three independent minded beings.
Perhaps it’s the sense of approaching change, but I am filled with deep unspecified yearning.
My go to strategy at such times is to ramp up activity (half marathon training anyone?) Add a couple of blog challenges, plan career development and start a few projects.
Experience tells me that distraction will work in the short term, but that carrying on at this pace will lead to burn out. The sensible part of me looks around for a cause.
This morning, when I woke up suddenly in the middle of a dream, I realized. It’s Pearl. It’s always Pearl.
In ten years of life together ,this child has taught me plenty. We are inextricably linked. She needs me in a way that my other children simply don’t.
Someone once told me that when babies are first born they don’t know where you end and they begin. Having so recently been part of you, they think they still are. They quickly grow out of this stage and make bids for independence.
Pearl is one of the most independent minded people I know, she still seems to believe I am part of her. On tired…